Master Plan for Avoiding Malaria

So I’ve had a couple of personal run-ins with malaria recently—not particularly enjoyable encounters, I might add. I’m in good company. Of the roughly 50 people we see a day at the clinic, probably upwards of 90% of them go home with malaria medicine. My sympathy meter has increased dramatically after experiencing it myself. And so, on behalf of all the people of Fimpulu,* I present for your consideration my Master Plan for Avoiding Malaria.

1.) Assault Approach: Hire village kids to follow me around with fly-swatters and kill all mosquitos that approach me.

     Pros: Cuteness factor.

     Cons: Kids are easily distractible. This is likely to devolve into a friend-swatting war amongst children.

2.) Unattractive Tactic: Mosquitoes are attracted to CO2. Erego I will hold my breath during high mosquito prevalency time (dusk to dawn).

     Pros: Current scientific knowledge suggests less CO2 would be good for the environment, so this is eco-friendly.

     Cons: Current scientific knowledge suggests that breathing is necessary for survival.

3.) Drought Endeavor: Malaria parasite lives in human blood. Drain all blood from my body,.

     Pros: Mosquitos relying on my blood for survival or sustenance will starve.

     Cons: Unsightly pallor related to blood loss. Also certain death.

4.) Russian Doll System: Sleep inside of a mosquito net inside of a mosquito net inside of a mosquito net.... etc.

     Pros: Increased barriers between myself and mosquitoes.

     Cons: My cat will tear holes in all of them to get to me.

5.) Iron Man Method: Create impermeable full-body suit.

     Pros: Coolness factor. Superheroes are awesome.

     Cons: Limited access to pilatium in the village, which is necessary to power an Iron Man suit.

6.) Predator Plot: Fill house with geckos, spiders, bats, and other mosquito-eating creatures.

     Pros: Lots of new creepy crawly friends.

     Cons: I don’t actually want creepy crawly friends.

7.) Mole Woman Scheme: Live underground. FOREVER.

     Pros: I get to pretend I’m a hobbit.

     Cons: Danger of cave-in.

8.) Human Glue Trap Technique: Wrap body in double sided sticky tape to catch and trap mosquitoes.

     Pros: I get to kill all the mosquitoes that stick to me.

     Cons: Daily full-body wax might become uncomfortable.

9.) Bored to Tears Policy: Read boring academic book aloud at all times to annoy mosquitoes into leaving.

     Pros: Appears to be working for my husband. Also, fairly enjoyable for my little nerdy self.

     Cons: May be ineffective on highly intellectual mosquitoes or those who don’t speak English.

10.) Superhero Experiment: Expose self to high levels of radiation in hopes of acquiring superpower of malaria immunity.

     Pros: See pros for “Iron Man Approach.”
     Cons: Possibility of acquiring unwanted or undesirable superpower, such as irreversible invisibility.

*No locals have endorsed any of these methods, for reasons that I assume are obvious.