Tired

Today, I am tired.

Physically, I am tired because my circadian rhythm refuses to sync up to my life schedule.  I've also cut back drastically on my caffeine intake, so I think that's exaggerating it. Combine that with a ferociously unreasonable homework load, and the result is far too few hours of sleep per night.  I've recently determined to go to bed earlier on the nights that precede 8am classes. I'll let you know how that works out. I know I'm capable of it-- I managed to do it for most of the summer.  Somehow I didn't mind waking up to the African dawn.

Emotionally, I am tired because as much as this fiercely independent girl hates to admit it, I really missed not being with family over Thanksgiving.  Car trouble left me stranded in Nashville.  I like to think that I'm a pretty strong person (or actually, I like to let the people around me think that... because vulnerability makes me feel icky), but some tiny voice in the back of my heart keeps reminding me that the time is fast approaching when my Thanksgiving nights will be graced by the southern cross instead of the north star.  There are so very many things I will miss. I have several young cousins and a niece that mean the world and more to me. Some of them are young enough that their memory of me will quickly fade.  I think a part of me has begun to mourn that loss.

Spiritually, I am tired because I am prone to wander.  I love to pour into others. I love to sit with one of my residents and listen to how her world has been upturned, and I love being able to help her set it right again.  I love making someone's day a little bit easier, whether by lending a dollar or washing a dish, and I especially love it if I can do it without them noticing (although, curiously enough, it would be difficult to do either of those things anonymously...).  This shouldn't come as a surprise to me-- compassion, service, and concern for others should naturally be high on a nurse's list of priorities. And don't get me wrong-- I can also be an exceptionally demanding, possessive, and selfish person.  Just ask anyone who ever tried to take Jessie out of my arms, or anyone who has ever been in my presence before dawn.  Weariness ensues not because I give too much (on the contrary, there is much more I should give) but rather from a clouded perspective and a distracted lifestyle.  Sometimes I forget that I'm not fighting for my life-- I'm fighting because I have Life. The fight is the same, but it's possible to fight the right fight in the right way for all the wrong reasons.  I just forget sometimes that it has already been won.

Tomorrow, I will probably still be just as tired as I was yesterday. I will probably still be operating on a woefully small amount of sleep for no good reason. I will still love and miss those people in my life who are distant (or close but absent), and I will still pour my heart into loving and serving the people around me. But maybe, just maybe, I'll be one day wiser and one day stronger.  Maybe I'll develop the self-control to crawl in bed earlier.  Maybe I'll catch a glimpse of the exceptional community of people that surrounds me here and the priceless little ones waiting for me across the ocean and remember that distance doesn't dull that kind of love.  And maybe my heart will put down all the pretty little trinkets it carries and cling instead to a Treasure as the voice of Advent whispers, "The not yet will be worth it."

In Bemba, the word for yesterday and tomorrow is the same: "mailo." Sometimes this causes a little confusion in translation. After a particularly nonproductive school morning last summer, Johnny could sense my frustration (although to be fair, I was barely attempting to hide it). "Don't worry, Auntie Meghan," he consoled me. "It will be better yesterday."

One day at a time.