My One and Only

I've always asked questions. I've always wondered why. I've always challenged and doubted with the heart of a skeptic, demanding answers to questions that I was told not to ask in the first place.  It is a curiosity born from the desire for solid ground to stand on. I wanted Truth, but I didn't know where to look.  I would like to say that I found that Truth, but I'm not sure that would be entirely accurate. Actually, He found me.

I was nine years old when I "gave my life" to Jesus.  I remember lying in bed one night soon after I was baptized and asking God what it all meant. Why was I here? Why were any of us here? Did any of it mean anything, and if not, then was it worth fighting for? How could one confused little girl, plagued with doubt and prone to wandering, from a tiny town in the Midwest where a quiet and compliant existence was expected, possibly matter at all? What in the world was I supposed to do with my life?

I don't know if He answered, or if I asked, or if it was some culmination of the two, but before I closed my eyes that night I had dedicated my life to spreading the Gospel to the ends of the earth. More than anything in the world, I wanted Jesus. I wanted to be a missionary. I wanted to spend my life on something that would be worth the price.

Eleven years have passed since that night.  Twenty days from now, I will be somewhere in the air between Indianapolis and D.C. on my way to Kazembe, Zambia to spend my summer helping at an orphanage. So go ahead-- ask me if I think dreams come true!

My deepest prayer in the last few weeks has been for a heart willing and able to learn.  Curiously enough, it seems that the lessons He teaches me are often things I should have known in the first place.  For instance...

Two nights ago I was babysitting three of the sweetest children on the planet. One of them has an acute affinity for a little Cinderella doll.  I had just gotten them all tucked in and turned out the lights when she let out a wail that could impress a banshee. She couldn't find Cinderella.

Unfortunately, neither could I.  I scooped her up and carried her downstairs, and together we looked behind pillows and under blankets for the lost little doll.  My stomach began to sink as I realized that we may not be able to find her. I began trying to offer her a replacement, but no bunny, bear, doll, or blanket would do. No substitutes.

We did eventually find the little doll, but my mind was still churning hours later.  A three year old little girl was smart enough to accept no substitutes. Was I?

So often in my own life, I forget to cling to Jesus. I forget to desire Him above all, and I let other things become my destination.  He must be my Everything. Such a simple truth, and yet so very difficult for me to remember.

What a gentle but firm reminder from my King!  As I sit here writing this, on the campus of my dreams, in the city I love, with a plane ticket to Zambia in my possession, I am first of all grateful beyond words for this beautiful adventure.  More importantly though, I am reminded that if it all faded tomorrow, I would still have everything I need.

Phillipians 3:8

To God be the glory.